


Love Everything, Lose Everything

by MsSpaceAce



Category: Half-Life
Genre: ALSO THERE'S FISH, Gen, Gordon has a SON, He's adorable, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mute!Gordon, Mutual Pining, Pairing could swing either way I wrote it with romance in mind but you do you reader!!, and his name is JOSHUA
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26136607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsSpaceAce/pseuds/MsSpaceAce
Summary: Gordon didn’t have much in his life, but he had his job, his son, and his fish, and that made him happy enough. At least, until it goes up in the flash of a Resonance Cascade and twenty years lost to the void. At least he still has Barney, yeah?
Relationships: Barney Calhoun & Gordon Freeman, Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 5
Kudos: 54





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> To Loki ~ Shine on, starshine

Gordon didn’t have much in his life, but he had his job, his son, and his fish, and that made him happy enough. 

The long, rectangular fish tank took up a majority of the small office afforded to him by Black Mesa, squeezed in to take up an entire wall. The entire thing was decorated by colorful rocks, a huge variety of plantlife, and a handful of fake statues, some of them handmade by his coworkers. It housed two bettas, Frankie and Cookie, who somehow hadn’t managed to kill each other yet. The blue light that floated across his otherwise dim office helped Gordon stay calm during stressful days and nights, plus his son loved watching the patterns dance. 

That’s actually what they were doing now. Gordon was taking a well-deserved break from paperwork to hold Joshua, bouncing ever so slightly to make the newborn laugh as he pointed out the fishes and plants. He traced Cookie’s movements with a finger, chuckling himself as Joshua squealed with laughter when the betta quickly jackknifed in the water and darted away.

It was the quiet moments like these that brought a lot of joy into his life, really. Broke up the monotony of what it’d become.

… Actually, there was one more thing that brought him a lot of joy, and judging by the awful rattling noise in the ceiling above him, he was on his way here.

Gordon turned towards the vent in his ceiling, his mouth quirking into a smile as the rattling grew louder, louder, then the grate dropped to the floor with a _bang!._ A head popped out then, a mop of black hair dangling down. 

“Hello, Gordon!” Barney chirped. “And hello, Joshua! Didn’t know daddy brought you to work today, it’s nice to see you!”

Joshua laughed again as Barney’s head disappeared back into the vent. It took him a moment before he managed to drop down into the room, feet first. “Hey hey lil man, glad someone’s excited to see me.” Barney chuckled, brushing off the front of his security uniform with one hand while he held a brown paper bag in the other, his view shifting from the newborn to Gordon. “How’re you holdin’ up?”

 _I’m fine,_ Gordon signed. _What’s in the bag?_

“Straight to the point, as always… it’s my lunch.” Barney opened the bag to reveal a simple sandwich, a bag of chips, and a familiar can of soda from one of the vending machines down the hall. “I’m on my break and I figured, hey, why not share it with my favorite person here?”

Barney casually walked over to one of the counters full of research papers and small-scale experiments, sliding one leg up to perch on the edge of the counter as Gordon’s brain froze for a moment. 

Gordon could never figure out _why_ that happened, whenever Barney made a quiet comment like that. He flirted and complemented everyone he ever met, it was just _who_ he was and everyone loved him for it… it didn’t make Gordon special. Even if he wanted it to.

After his momentary panic, Gordon turned to face Barney better. _Don’t let Dr. Vance hear you say that, he might try to kill me to get that position back._

Barney snorted. “Eli wouldn’t hurt a fly, you’re fine.”

_Alyx would, then._

“His little girl? Maybe, I mean… she is pretty feisty, might give you a run for your money.” Barney unwrapped his sandwich, taking a bite and chewing thoughtfully before pointing to the baby strapped to Gordon’s chest. “Is it kiddo’s lunch time too, or…?”

_I fed him earlier, he’s good until I take him home at the end of the day._

“Oh, good… and you?”

 _I’m not hungry._ Gordon shook his head to more fully emphasize the point, watching as Barney narrowed his eyes.

“ _Gordon…_ please tell me you’ve eaten _something_ today.”

He hesitated. Coffee counted as food, right? Wait, fuck, he had eaten something, this morning… _I had a granola bar on the tram! That’s something!_

Barney sighed, heavily. “Okay, ignoring the fact you’re _not supposed to do that,_ despite literally… no one following it… hold on.” He dug through his paper bag. He fished out the bag of chips and held his arm out, offering it to Gordon. “Here, have this. I had a big breakfast, I for one actually have an excuse to not be as hungry right now… fuckin’ scientists and not eating, Jesus Christ... “

Gordon gave a little nod of thanks, grabbing the bag and setting it on his desk. He noticed how Joshua’s head had dropped a little, his eyelids fluttering open and shut. Sighing, Gordon picked Joshua up and cradled him for a few moments before setting him in his baby carrier to take a proper nap.

“He’s such a happy kiddo…” Barney mused quietly. They sat in comfortable silence together, just enough time for Gordon’s eyes to wander from his son’s face to the jar of fish food on his desk. Like clockwork, Gordon scooped up the jar, twisted the cap off, and dropped a few of the little pellets into the fishtank. He heard Barney laugh quietly behind him as he watched the two betta swim up to check out the food. “So you can’t feed yourself but you can remember to feed two little fish?”

Gordon shrugged, feeling his stomach twist a little as the silence now felt painfully awkward. Great, fuck, yeah, just casually admit you have shitty self-care habits because your self-esteem is also shit, ruin one of the few good things here cause now all he’s gonna feel is _pity--_

“Hey, I mean, valid, I can’t hardly remember to put my shoes on in the morning but I’ll be damned if I forget to check and clean my guns before I take one step out of my dorm… habits are weird, man.” Barney took another bite of his sandwich, smiling nonchalantly like nothing was wrong.

Years of knowing this man and he still managed to surprise Gordon.

“Hey, you mentioned taking the kid home at the end of the day, how’s that been going? Your ex been acting nice about the whole situation? I remember that was making you nervous when the whole…” Barney gestured vaguely in the air, “...thing started happening.”

Gordon shrugged again. _She’s been okay, I mean… On the days I’m supposed to watch him, I drive out in the morning to pick Joshua up outside the complex, watch him throughout the day, then drive out again at night to trade off. No words are really said, even with… me, y’know. Don’t see or hear anything otherwise._

“That’s good, I guess. Better than her bitching your ear off or saying something shitty… hey, on a lighter note, guess who’s getting assigned to your part of the building later this month?”

When Gordon pointed questioningly at Barney, he grinned and pumped a fist in the air. “Yep! Blue shift! Pay raise, here I come! I got the letter this morning, May 15th is my official start date.”

Gordon’s face lit up in surprise. _That’s the day before the test! With specimen GG-3883, Dr. Kleiner told me about it, hold on._ He shuffled through a few pieces of paper on his desk, fishing one out before pushing it towards Barney. _Kleiner said he wants me to be the one conducting it, since I wrote my thesis on it. I finally get to do the important, hands-on stuff!_

“That’s awesome, dude! We’re moving up in the world, you and I.” Barney punched lightly at Gordon’s shoulder, then glanced conspiratorially at the fish tank. “We should buy the fishies a cake to celebrate.” He smirked as Gordon laughed, shaking his head. “A beer, then? You and me, go grab something off site?” 

_I can’t, I have so much I need to do still and then drop Joshua off… maybe another day? Rain check?_

“Ah, yeah, should’ve… nevermind, yeah. Rain check. You owe me one, Freeman.” Despite his cheery tone, Barney looked almost… upset? With himself?

Before Gordon could linger on that for too long, he heard a knock at his office’s door. Standing there was Officer Sezen, who was staring at the open vent in the ceiling. “Hey, guys, dumbass locked himself out of his office yet again. If you could go help him--”

Gordon was already running by the time Sezen finished, pushing open the door fully before sprinting towards a table to clamber into another vent. As he went, he bumped into the desk and knocked the entire jar of fish food on the floor, scattering it across the tile.

Barney cursed loudly, scrambling to jump off the countertop and rewrap his lunch. “Goddamnit… this one doesn’t count, Freeman! You got too much of a head start! Fucking… why’d you have to just let him go like that, Jesus fucking Christ on a bicycle…”

Sezen just watched casually as Barney made to run out of the room as well, before pausing. Ducking down to the floor, he scooped up a few of the food pellets and chucked them into the fish tank, muttering “Don’t tell Gordon” to whoever could hear before dashing off towards Kleiner’s office.


	2. Interlude

May 16th came and if you’d told Gordon the least awful thing to him to happen that day would’ve been him running thirty minutes late, he would’ve laughed at you.

Not anymore.

Sprinting down a hallway, Gordon nearly tripped himself as he slid around a corner-- it’s not blood, it’s just coolant, keep running, come on _ \--  _ and dashed for a door. It was only after the automatic door slid closed behind him and he’d stood at the first aid station long enough to feel just slightly adjacent to absolute shit that Gordon tried to figure out what all had happened. What…  _ had  _ happened?

The experiment. He’d pushed the crystal into the anti-mass spectrometer, stood back and watched and then… Well, obviously things went wrong. Catastrophically wrong.

He went to wipe sweat from his brow, surprised to find a gun still tightly clutched in his hand. Oh yeah. He’d been given one of those, since… god… 

Sandwiched between the First Aid station and the HEV charger, Gordon put his back against the wall and slid down, nearly burying his head between his knees. He stowed away the gun somehow, his mind scrambling to remember what Dr. Vance had told him, the exercises to do when his chest was feeling tight like this and he couldn’t calm down. Breathe and count, 4, 4, 7, okay, try to keep time… time…

Gordon made the mistake of glancing up at the clock in the room, which was, miraculously, still fully functioning. 9:37. Hey, just two more hours and he could feed his fi--

The realization hit him like a bat. It was gone. All of it, gone now. His office, the fish tank, Frankie and Cookie, all of his work, all of his  _ coworkers and friends _ … He’d seen Dr. Vance and Dr. Kleiner alive, Dr. Kleiner was who directed him this way, trying to get him to the surface, plus Barney was--

Oh god. Oh  _ god,  _ no, please…

His stomach twisted further when he remembered what Barney’d told him the last time they’d been together.

His shift had moved.

_ Which meant he was in the same area when-- _

Gordon shoved his thumb in a small gap of the HEV’s pants, barely feeling the pain as a strangled sob tore it’s way through his throat. Barney couldn’t be dead. He couldn’t, he… he was too  _ stubborn _ to die like that, he always talked about going back to college to finish his degree, he couldn’t just… No, he could, and worst of all,  _ it was all Gordon’s fault. _

All of it. He was the only one that touched the sample that caused the Cascade, he had to have fucked something up… or if only he’d been running on time, maybe things would’ve been better or more stable, or… or…

God, please let it just be a dream. An incredibly fucked up, stress-induced nightmare. This couldn’t be real.

Gordon’s tears began to fall in earnest now. He couldn’t tell how long he sat there, staring dumbly at the clock, before the throbbing pain in his thumb outdid the absolute hurricane in his chest and he felt himself  _ snap _ back into reality.

He focused in earnest on the clock now, using the second hand to count out spaces to breathe, til his breathing returned to normal, til he felt some semblance of strength return to his legs and he managed to haul himself to his feet.

He couldn’t just sit here and accept defeat. He had to keep going. For the Science Team. For Barney. For  _ Joshua. _

Gordon was going to see his son again. That much he was certain. 

And so, to the surface he went.

~*~


End file.
